Iim, I am tryly sorry we ended up hurting each other and I apologize for my part of it. Ecclesiastes says there is a time to
kill and a time to heal. I think it is time for both of us to heal.
We need to stop hurting each other and be sorry for teh hurt
and not justify any motives. I did make complaint to the Board
of Psychology forwhat you did was wrong. But you were following
God's plan for me to get out of bondage to you. Your demands were
suffocation me. You allowed our relationsandhip to get emeshed and
then tried to fix it by setting limits which hurt me and the therapy.
How you went about enforcing stringently limits after you allowed the relationship to become personal and lacking in usual
psychotheraputic boundaries and then blaming me for that is
wrong. You did many things not right trying to be professional
when you missed the mark and made ti personal. I enjoyed and needed the personal support you gave before it became emeshed.
When you pulled back it felt rejectin. You really did have afdection\for me or you never would have hugged and kisse me\on
the top of my head. That was very sweet and I loved your hugs.,
I gave you noterized permission so as to protect the right to do that.There was affection between us that was healthy. When you
felt overwhelmed by my distress and felt helpless to fix it, you
needed to get rid of me in order not to feel that way. You do not
like to feel . you think. A person expects a therapist to understand
expression of emotions and to express their pain. You are afraid of
intimacy and do not know how to express feelings. Your hugs were the closest you cane to doing that so they were needed to feel that
you had somne care and empathy. Without your showing that bit\
of affection, you were like Simon le gree, a task master and became
as abusive as my father. You felt abused by my need for attention
and became abusive like my father. You felt abused by my need for
attention fro you and abused my by withholding it .You were like
the church and withheld approval based on bitterness. The bitter
part of you made you feel rejecting to me as the officals I came to
you in pain regarding. It became a battle of the wills as to to whose
needs were to be met, mine or yours. Personally I feel the client\s
needs shouyld be met. You demanded I meet your needs. You could
have explained them re the email or phone nicely without blame
and I may have understood. Email and pheon could have been
limited without being withdrawn . You waited till you were angered to express yourself and when you do that, it is rejecting\and that is the last thing I needed. I needed the healing
part of you but not the bitter and resentfyl part I put up with in
trying to help you. Then my needs became so great I could not do that and your demands seemed unreasonable. I think you really
loved me but did not know how to express love. Being demnstrative\
of love is partly emotional and partly behavioral. You failed to \express love when you divorce abd becine distant I feel you divorced failed to display love when that happened. We were thnn
in trouble because that is not therapeutic. Instead of correcting the
problem or attitudes you chose to end the relatinship and divorce.
That is not my style and I was deeply hurt., You were deeply hurt
and could not express your hurt. You expressed your anger and
bitterness. That was not therapeutic and the relationship was in
trouble. Had you been able to express hurt appropriately, it never
would have come to an end. You failed me and the relationship because of lack of knowleded of how to express negative feelings.
Positive feelings you expressed by taling to me on the phone and
hugs and kisses on my head. That was very sweet and I needed it.
I miss your affection. But your bitterness and retaliation hurts. I
almost killed myself when you rejected me in anger. Appropriately,
it did not have to come to such a sad end. Since you did not take
seriously the damage you did to me by your rejection, I alerted
the board you did not properly terminate. We need sessions to
state both our hurt and regrets and leave the door open for
future resumption of relationship whether it be in or outside of
therpay. I miss you even though I could have killed you for your
hurt to me. Whatever I did that hurt you so bad , I need ask you
to forgive me and you need to for your bitterness is atrocious
and forgiveness is the only antedote. I miss your good qualities.
I can't reconcile the two sides of you for they are antithetical.
You need to heal yourself and get it together to have one side
only which is healthy so you don't come out of left field and hurt
people with your unconscious anger and resentment. I don't think
you consciously meant to hurt me or knew the damage you did me.
I almost died. You told Maya you did not car,e but a part of you
would be sorry if I had . It certainly would have meant you had
failed. To hurt me that much is not therapeutic and you messed up.
I relayed to the board what you did wrong. I had to.
But whatever else I did to hurt you , forgive me. I had to make the
complaints online for you destroyed me for a time. I would have
killed myself and you would have pretended you did not care.
You do care for me and divorce is not the answer to end all hurtful
relations in a relationship. They can be fixed and ressumption of
relating can take place when you deal with your hurt and anger.
I have had my say publically and to the board and am sorry I had
to resort to that. I needed to say it to you and be taken seriously
by you as to changing how you dealt with me. I was not that
important to you to change anything and that hurt. I cannot do
all the changing to please you nor should a cient have to do that.
Real relationships are give and take and hurt and anger and wanitng to kill and wanting to heal. I hope you are able to have
a real relatinnship sometime future and will contact me at least
to discuss the hurt between us in a non hurtful manner and caring
to hear and that we can heal some of the awful things we did to
hurt each other. I am working on forgiving you and ask you to do
the same. Forgiveness takes grace and work and God. If you are
able, forgive me and show me your loving side again. You dont just
stop loving people. YOu stuff it and deny it but it is there. You
loved me and you lost it and then when you denied your affection
for me I lost it and wanted to hurt you back. Let's stop and be
friends at least and have some sessions to express the care we did
once feel and resolve the hurt and pain. I dont need the pain I have
and I suspect you don't either even though you are not aware of it.
I offer you now peace and forgiveness and we need to heal this
awful breech in relationship for both of us. Let me know if you
are willing to at least try to get in touch with the positive enough
to express it and end that way and leave the door open for future
relations of some kind, friendship or therapy. I love and miss your
sweet hugs and you need to stop punishing me by withholding what
I loved about you and forgive me for being hurt by you. Forgive me
for hurting you whatever I did besides the complaints but really
if you hurt anyone else the way you hurt me, they might die. I
almost did and you said you did not care but you must have.
If you could get in touch wiht the parts of you that detract from
the positive in you and heal them you can be a healing person.
If not you will stay a harmful person. It is up to you. I ask you to
try at least with me for both our sakes to heal this hurt that
has caused so mush distress to both of us. It is not professional
nor persoanlly correct and you know is not Christian, I am sorry
for what I did that hurt you but the complaints were only factual
of what I felt you did to me. I would like to be able to change
feeling those ways and for you to heal me in my hurt you caused
me. I need to heal you for the hurt I caused you. Let me know if
you want to give it a try for it is embarassing to leave this
situation unhealed and festering hurt is destruction .
I am sorry you were hurt by me and I am sorry you hurt me.
I ask you to become sorry you hurt me so and to reach out to me
to heal. The time to kill is over and it is time to heal.
I love and miss you and your hugs and kisses and affection even
though it was imperfect and sporatic and dependent upon your
feeling positive toward me. Real love is in Corithians ch 13.
If you are capable of attempting it, contact me and let's try
to heal at least personally the hurt to each other.
I am still deeply hurting by what you did to me although I surviced
and have new resourcess with no help from you. I am sorry you
did not care to show love to me and see that I was cared for
when you were angry. I took care of myself . I can do without
you but it is time ot heal the hurtss between us.
Let me hear from you when you are ready to try in your heart.